


i loved you once

by wolfodder



Category: VIXX
Genre: Break Up, But it's okay, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:07:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8625568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfodder/pseuds/wolfodder
Summary: The increasing distance between them has become harder and harder to bear. So really, he should have seen this coming.





	

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

 

Hongbin looks up from his book and at Hakyeon at the other end of the couch. The other is looking solemnly at him. Their legs are tangled; Hakyeon’s feet are cold against Hongbin’s bare ankles. There’s nothing special about today, except maybe the foreboding twinge in Hongbin’s chest at Hakyeon’s words.

 

“What, the crossword? I can try and solve it,” he suggests.

 

“Hongbin.” Hakyeon sighs and folds the newspaper in his hands. The pencil is on the table, unused.

 

It’s not about the crossword, Hongbin knows that. They’ve been building up to this for months now. Hakyeon is a good actor, good at pretending; so when even he can’t act genuine about his affection anymore, when his hugs are not as wholehearted as before and his kisses are less enthusiastic, something must be wrong. Hongbin has been denying it, and surely Hakyeon has too; thinking this happens to every couple at some point, it’s just a phase.

 

If only it was as easy as a crossword puzzle.

 

Hakyeon wants to travel the world, is constantly looking online at beautiful places to visit, collects travel pamphlets and maps and plans out trips and journeys that never happen. The only thing holding him back is Hongbin, who rarely leaves home in general. Maybe they don’t suit each other so well.

 

“I want to go backpacking,” Hakyeon told him once, and then showed him a plan of suggested routes, a trek that could take over a month.

 

“Then go,” Hongbin said noncommittally, gaze not leaving his book. “I won’t stop you.”

 

“But I want you to go with me,” Hakyeon replied in a tone that made Hongbin look up, and he saw Hakyeon’s pleading face gradually became one of disappointment as Hongbin’s lack of a reply proved itself to be the only answer he needed.

 

The increasing distance between them has become harder and harder to bear. So really, he should have seen this coming. But that doesn’t stop him from curling his fingers nervously. “What?” he says now, innocently, biting his lower lip.

 

“This,” Hakyeon says, pointing at himself, then Hongbin, “isn’t good for either of us. You know that.”

 

Hongbin looks back down, staring hard at the book without really seeing it, the words blurry. The pads of his fingers rub against the cover of the book as he tries to ignore Hakyeon. He can’t do it for long, of course not. He just wishes he could change this, wishes they could be together forever.

 

“Hongbin, listen to me,” says Hakyeon. “Can we just...go our separate ways?”

 

There they are. The dreaded words. At least it’s worded more nicely than  _ let’s break up _ , or perhaps  _ fuck off _ . Of course Hakyeon would make it sound nicer than it is. “I love you,” Hongbin manages after some time, almost stuttering. Yet, it feels strangely hollow. He does love Hakyeon, doesn’t he? Maybe he doesn’t love him as much as he thought he did.

 

Hakyeon’s expression softens. “I love you too,” he says gently, “but I don’t think we’re good for each other, like this. I don’t want you to be stuck with me when my mind is so often somewhere else.”

 

“I don’t care about that,” Hongbin counters at once. “I just want you with me.”

 

“And that,” Hakyeon points out, not unkindly. “I don’t want to start to resent you and feeling like you’re holding me back. You’re too good for that.”

 

Hongbin thinks about the countless times he found the other watching travel programs, reading books about the wonders of the world, the many times Hakyeon has smiled extra widely at tourists on the street. Every time Hongbin would try to get his attention back, while simultaneously feeling like a bad person for doing so. “I don’t want to hold you back, either,” Hongbin murmurs. He’s been thinking about this for a while, subconsciously, he realizes. He doesn’t want to be with Hakyeon if neither of them have the same passion they had in the beginning. At least, he shouldn’t want it. He deserves better than that, and so does Hakyeon. “You’re right. Maybe we should go our separate ways.”

 

He hadn’t realized how cold he’d gotten until Hakyeon’s hands close around his, warming them up. “It’s not your fault,” he says to Hongbin, eyes warm as always. “We’re just not right for each other. You’ll find someone who will love you better, I know it.”

 

Hongbin exhales sharply, hopes he can force himself not to cry because he is starting to feel a little choked up. “I guess I just got used to loving you,” he says and bites his lip. His hands still feel right in Hakyeon’s, even now. He suspects it’ll always feel like that, even if he finds someone else. “You know I don’t like change.”

 

Hakyeon chuckles a little, and when Hongbin looks up at him he looks sad as well. In a way, it’s nice to know he’s not the only one. “Yeah, me neither,” Hakyeon tells him.

 

It feels too much like a goodbye and that’s too much right now, so Hongbin leans into Hakyeon and kisses him, eyes pressed shut. Hakyeon kisses back, the feeling of his lips comfortably familiar against Hongbin’s, and when he pulls away he gently wipes off the wetness on Hongbin’s cheek. His eyes are shining, too, although no tears have fallen yet. “Hey, don’t cry,” he says anyway, “you look better when you’re happy.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hyung,” Hongbin says, leaning against the doorframe as he watches Hakyeon put on a coat and check his backpack for the last time. It’s only been a few days since their talk, deciding for Hakyeon to go on the journey he’s always wanted, by himself. There have been a lot of mixed feelings during that time, from not wanting to lose Hakyeon to almost waiting for him to leave. Now he’s leaving for real, and Hongbin is finally coming to terms with it, slowly. It still feels strange, like a change too big.

 

Hakyeon stands up and turns to face him. “Yes?”

 

“Thanks,” Hongbin says, “for being so good to me. And for loving me even when I held you back.” It’s been hard for him to figure out what he wanted to say; he knew that he wanted to say  _ something,  _ he just didn’t know exactly what - but he thinks this conveys his feelings well enough.

 

Hakyeon is quiet for a moment, and then pulls Hongbin into a hug. “Thanks yourself, for being so easy to love,” he says into his neck, and the hug lasts a little longer than hugs normally do, but Hakyeon has always been affectionate.

 

“Don’t disappear entirely, yeah?” Hongbin asks when they part, slightly nervously, and Hakyeon smiles a little and straightens his coat.

 

“Don’t worry, this won’t be the last you see of me.” He seems to think for a little, and then, “Hey, don’t forget to take care of yourself.”

 

“I’ll be fine,” Hongbin says and smiles back, and in that moment he really believes that he will.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hongbin’s phone beeps while he’s busy cutting vegetables.

 

“Oooh, who’s that?” Jaehwan asks curiously, opening his bottle of soda. “Didn’t think you had friends other than us.”

 

“I have friends,” Hongbin shoots back, waving the knife at the other. “You don’t have to know them all.”

 

“That’s mean,” Jaehwan says and makes a face at him, then shrugs, leaving the kitchen. He drops into the sofa and places his legs over Taekwoon’s lap.

 

As soon as he’s done cutting up the carrots, Hongbin wipes his hands on a towel and fishes his phone out of his pocket.

 

And stares at the text he’s gotten.

 

[Hakyeon]

_ Hey \o/ _

 

Hongbin hasn’t talked to Hakyeon since the day he left, three months ago. He didn’t want to contact him, figured he’d give Hakyeon the time he needed to do what he wanted, figured he needed time away from the other as well. After two months he decided that Hakyeon probably wouldn’t contact him, and went on with his life thinking about it as little as possible, spending more time with his friends and working.

 

His heart beats a little faster upon seeing Hakyeon’s name on his phone again, but he thinks it’s more out of surprise and joy than the love he thought he felt in the past. He types out a reply and chuckles to himself.

 

[Hongbin]

_ new phone who’s this? _

 

[Hakyeon]

_ Hey don’t be like that, you shit.. I’ll chop your neck _

 

[Hongbin]

_ Hakyeon? is that you? _

 

[Hakyeon]

_ CHOPS YOUR NECK VIGOROUSLY _

 

Hongbin has to stop himself from laughing too hard out loud. It’s incredible how easy it is for him to talk normally to Hakyeon, but it makes sense considering they were close for years before they ever started dating.

 

[Hongbin]

_ wow, I missed you too _

 

[Hakyeon]

_ \u/ _

_ guess who’s in the neighborhood? _

 

[Hongbin]

_ Park Hyoshin? _

 

[Hakyeon]

_ THAT’S RIGHT _

_ no wait, I meant me _

 

[Hongbin]

_ oh, that’s a shame _

_ if it had been Hyoshin i would have invited him for movie night with the gang but i doubt you’d want that _

 

[Hakyeon]

_ I’ll be there in an hour :D _

  
  


“Hey, guys,” Hongbin calls, grin not leaving his face while he goes out to the living room. “Is it cool if my ex comes over tonight?”

 

“Hakyeon?” Wonshik asks with a frown.

 

“Your ex that you broke up with so he could go traveling?” Sanghyuk asks.

 

“I thought you hadn’t talked to him since he left,” Wonshik adds.

 

“He just texted me,” Hongbin says nonchalantly. “He’s nearby, apparently.”

 

“Are you guys on good terms?” Taekwoon asks.

 

Hongbin smiles a little, and nods. “Yeah, I think we’re good.”

 

“Then let the ex come in,” Jaehwan announces loudly and dramatically, and Hongbin snorts.

 

Yeah, he thinks it’s good.

**Author's Note:**

> i like random angst but i'm clearly bad at leaving it at the angst. oh well  
> i listened to romance is over several times while writing this. a+ song that fits a lot uvu
> 
> thanks for reading! <3 feel free to follow me on [twitter](www.twitter.com/hakmyeon) c:


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